One of the things that I often see in clients in my coaching practice is an over-abundance of “ego.” I put it in quotes because, according to the philosopher Sigmund Freud, the ego is simply the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious. It’s neither good nor bad, and is simply an internal regulator between the id (instinct) and superego (conscience).

That’s not the ego that I’m talking about.

The EGO that I am talking about is the more-visible, more widely accepted meaning of ego: that overabundance of outward confidence (often masking true insecurity) that often comes across as arrogant, detached, and, frankly, annoying as hell. It’s that excessively conceited, self-absorbed, self-centered behavior that causes someone to believe that they are better than others. This manifests itself in unwelcome advice, overly critical judgement of others, and general bad behavior that makes others not want to spend any time with those types of people. We all have that one “friend” who is constantly talking about themselves, telling us how good they are, and offering unsolicited advice…especially when it isn’t welcome. Don’t be that friend!

“The ego constantly competes with the spirit for control over your inner voice.” – Darren L. Johnson

Here are a few signs to watch out for if you think your ego is taking over:

You can’t handle the success of others. Jealousy is a normal emotion that everyone experiences. If you’re not careful, however, jealousy can grow into resentment and bitterness. And those destructive emotions could lead to a vicious downward spiral. If the success of others is leading you to feel like you are not measuring up, that could be a sign that your ego is taking over.

Nothing is ever good enough. You’re always wanting more, and once you get it, it’s never enough. The ego is never satisfied and is always craving more. The ego lives from fear that there won’t be enough or that things will run out. This scarcity mindset causes you to needlessly compete for your perceived lack of resources. When nothing is good enough, you will always be searching for something to fill that void.

You must always be right. When you find yourself constantly fighting to be “right” in a situation, you’re ignoring the fact that often times there is no right or wrong, simply different approaches to the same question. This type of thinking is narrow-minded and leads to judgment and criticism. When we have to be right it stifles creative potential and leaves many opportunities unseen.

You take things too seriously. There are times to be serious, and times where levity can be appropriate, but when we are consumed with the serious nature of EVERYTHING, that is a sign that our ego is taking over and we are letting it get out of control. I once had a friend literally punch a wall when we were on vacation with our wives because he was frustrated that our choice of restaurant wasn’t going to work for everyone. That’s TOO SERIOUS.

You must be in charge. The need for control in a group environment is a surefire sign that you are starting to let your ego take over. The need to feel appreciated is normal and healthy. We all want to feel that our contributions are recognized and valued. Egotists take this need to another level by taking over and needing to feel validated through excessive acts of respect and recognition. The best way for them to get this is by taking over and being “in charge.”

You get angry easily. Anger is a normal human emotion, but when the ego is taking over, things that wouldn’t normally even phase us can send us into an unexpected state that can be damaging to our relationships. We end up overreacting and feel that a destructive response is justified, just because we’re furious. This can cause all sorts of additional relational challenges.

Do you relate to any of these? I certainly do! It’s important to understand that no matter your personality style or behavioral profile, ego will often take over, and the ability to learn to let go of our egos and enjoy life is a prime condition of happiness and contentment. Here are five techniques for dropping your ego and learning to enjoy the ups and downs of life:

Practice forgiveness & letting go. One of the most powerful tools to learn to let go of our egos and make life easier is forgiveness. We have to learn to forgive the people who hurt us and, most importantly, we have to learn to forgive ourselves. Accept, let go, and keep moving forward. Forgiveness will open the windows to your soul, and remove the negativity to allow room for new happiness.

Be honest and open. “The truth will set you free” is one of the most powerful sentences ever written. Honesty provides us unconditional freedom to be connected with ourselves instead of trying to be something that we’re not. Learn to say no to the things that don’t add value in your life, and move strongly towards the things that do. This level of honesty will remove barriers to happiness and success.

Surrender your need for control. We are not our egos, we are not our jobs, we are not our material possessions, and we are not our achievements. When you let your ego control your life, you will never be content, because as soon as you lose control of the things that you identify with, the rest will fall like dominos. Surrendering literally means to stop fighting. Stop fighting with yourself. Stop fighting the universe and the natural flow of things. Stop resisting and pushing against reality. When you do, the universe will conspire to give you what you want.

Practice affirmations and meditation. Create an every-day routine to remind yourself why it’s awesome to be you. To know that you are enough. This is the great challenge of life; to be comfortable in our own skin and proud of who we are. Take a few minutes each day to be with yourself in silence, through meditation, prayer or affirmations whenever possible, because sometimes in silence you can find the answers that the voices never can.

Express gratitude. My therapist, Eddie, whom I’ve mentioned in this newsletter many times, reminds me regularly to take time each day to think about all the people, experiences, lessons, and mistakes for which I am thankful. Grateful people feel more love and compassion and feel more alive than those who don’t. Eddies advice? “Appreciate everything and everyone and you’ll discover the true beauty in your life.”

Listen, learning to let go of your ego is very easy in theory, but can be very difficult to execute in the long term. Just stick with it. When you regularly focus on dropping your ego through consistent intention and action, positive results will come. You have nothing to lose here, but a whole life to win.

“If you get your ego in your way, you will only look to other people and circumstances to blame.”
Jocko Willink