Ah, the nineties…probably my favorite time to be alive. There was just something special about living in a time when fraternity hazing was still ok, all of the beer was macro-brewed and mullets weren’t ironic. Back in “the day” when we used to watch TV shows at only their designated time there was a character on Saturday Night Live called Stuart Smalley. Stuart Smalley was a fictional character played by comedian (and now disgraced politician) Al Franken. In the show, Smalley had a mock self-help show called “Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley” on which he would dispense his personal brand of advice. Some of his more…um…poignant quotes include things like:
“That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’”, “I am a human being, not a human doing” and “You’re just should-ing all over yourself!”
But possibly his most popular piece of advice, and the one that I liked the most was the one that he would say when he looked into the mirror before every show. As part of his pre-show ritual, he would stand in front of a mirror and repeat these words to himself:
“You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and doggone it, people like you!”
I was never really sure why I liked this quote so much until many, many years later when I was dealing with my own personal insecurities and I found myself “Googling” things like, “Why do I feel like a fraud”, “how to fake it until you make it”, and “what if people find out I don’t know what I’m talking about”. I had built a successful coaching practice from the ground up, worked with dozens of small businesses to help them become more successful and was constantly being asked for my opinion and assistance on problems that seemed insurmountable for the asker, yet ridiculously simple to me. I would provide my opinion or solution essentially off of the top of my head and people would smile and say things like “Yes!, that’s a great idea”, and “oh my gosh, why didn’t I think of that?” They thought I was brilliant, but the truth of the matter was that I thought I was speaking completely “out of my ass” and was secretly just hoping that people wouldn’t figure out that I didn’t know what I was talking about.
I shared this with Eddie (my therapist) one day and he said that I was dealing with a pretty common phenomenon that he called “fear of fraudulent exposure”, also known as “Impostor Syndrome.” Impostor Syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. It looks kind of like this:
The term “impostor syndrome” was coined in 1978 by a couple of psychologists named Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes. in a scholarly article that they wrote about their study of 150 high-performing women who had:
“an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.”
THAT’S ME! In fact, I’m hoping RIGHT NOW that you don’t find me out and that I just escape these next few minutes having fooled you once again!
While Pauline and Suzanne’s study was based on women, additional findings have come out over the years stating that men experience Impostor Syndrome as well. In fact, statistics say that 7 out of 10 of you reading this right now have Impostor Syndrome, too. But don’t worry; we’re in pretty good company:
Tina Fey (also of Saturday Night Live fame) said “The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud.”
Actress Jodie Foster was afraid that they would take back her Oscar for The Accused. She told interviewers once that she was “afraid they’d knock on my door and say, “sorry ma’am” that was meant for Meryl Streep.”
Albert Einstein may have even suffered from the syndrome towards the end of his life, with a month before his death confiding to a friend saying, “The exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler.”
High-achievers experiencing Impostor Syndrome tend to act out in several ways:
Diligence – People experiencing Impostor Syndrome will often over compensate for their feelings of being found out by working harder and longer hours. The hard work brings more praise and success, which only perpetuates imposter feelings and fear of being discovered as fakers. The “imposter” may end up working two or three times as hard, to over-prepare, obsess over minute details, leading to burnout and sleep deprivation.
Feeling of Being Fake – Someone who feels like an impostor will often times restrict or reserve their own opinions in favor of simply telling people what they believe the other person wants to hear. This further perpetuates the sense of being a “fraud”
Use of Charm – High-achievers commonly use their intuitive perceptiveness and charm to receive praise from others and seek out relationships with people to improve their capabilities creatively and professionally. However, when others provide praise or recognition, they feel that praise is based on charm not ability.
Understating Confidence – Another way people choose to enhance the imposter feeling is to avoid expressing confidence in their own abilities. Someone dealing with imposter feelings may believe that if he or she actually believes in, or heaven forbid EXPRESSES his or her intelligence and abilities, this could lead to rejection by others. Therefore, they may convince themselves that they are not intelligent and do not deserve success to avoid this feeling.
So, what can you do about this feeling that your success is merely luck and not your own efforts? Over the years of dealing with my own brand of Impostor Syndrome, and helping many of my clients deal with theirs, I’ve come up with a simple method that seems to help when feeling like a fraud:
Accept that you had some impact to your own success – Yes, sure, your Dad introduced you to that one guy that knew that one other guy who hooked you up with your last big deal, but they didn’t hire you simply because of this connection. You must have shown them something that they really liked in order to hire you. You have to learn to internalize your successes and see that you did do SOMETHING to get to where you are.
Stop comparing yourself to others – There is no reason that you should be reading this right now. I’m just some guy that thinks he has something positive to share with the world. There are plenty of other people that you could follow who probably know more than I do about the subject. But you’re reading MY newsletter. When you compare yourself to others, you’re basically saying to yourself “my life sucks”. Stop it.
Focus unapologetically on your passions – A few years ago, one of my friends asked me why I didn’t start a “real business” instead of being a coach. I thought about his question long and hard and came up with this answer: “ I am passionate about helping others succeed faster, live better and create the life they’ve always imagined”. I am unapologetically passionate about helping other people succeed.
Practice TOTAL HONESTY – It can be easy to slip into the trap of keeping your mouth shut when you don’t know something, or exaggerating or embellishing your reality in order to be seen as more successful by others. This behavior simply reinforces the feeling that you are “not good enough” because you feel the need to adapt what is real and true to the situation at hand. Instead, practice radical honesty (also known as “honesty”). People know when you’re trying to pull the wool over their eyes.
Embrace your lack of knowledge/solutions as an opportunity to grow – I don’t care who are, you don’t know everything about everything. Stop worrying about your lack of knowledge and use your natural skill sets to learn, solve and grow.
Listen, I’m not perfect and I still slip into Impostor Syndrome every now and then (okay, maybe more like every week…or maybe, daily?). So every now and then when I forget, I think about Stuart Smalley and I go to my mirror and say to myself…and you can say it with me:
I’m GOOD ENOUGH…
I’M SMART ENOUGH….
…AND DOGGONE IT….PEOPLE LIKE ME!
This is Eddie. More than just my therapist, Eddie has become my teacher, mentor, confidant and friend. With no exaggeration, I believe that if it weren’t for Eddie, I wouldn’t be here today. If you’re looking for someone to help you through the more challenging parts of life, you can reach him at eddie@eddiekonold.com or give him a call at 970-846-4620.
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